Suzi Ruffell, born in Portsmouth in 1986, reflects on her childhood, early anxieties and the path that led her to a career in comedy. Growing up in a busy, noisy household filled with music, visitors and family, she says she learned early to seek approval and to use humour as a way of coping. As a child and teenager, she struggled with low self-esteem, anxiety and obsessive behaviours, and also spent years privately trying to understand her sexuality before coming out at 20.
Ruffell says school felt claustrophobic because she was dyslexic, queer and easily distracted, which made her feel different and out of control. She recalls inventing personal rituals, such as running up and down stairs or checking doors, in an attempt to manage fear and uncertainty. Despite that, she found a sense of belonging in youth amateur dramatics, where she could sing, dance and perform among other “outrageous” teenagers who shared her love of theatre. It was there that she discovered she was funny and could use comic roles to make people laugh.
After training at the Academy of Live and Recorded Arts in London, Ruffell began stand-up comedy in 2008, at first performing in small, rough-edged rooms to audiences of only a handful of people. Even when early gigs did not bring laughter, she felt energised by the experience. She went on to develop her comedy circuit in London and elsewhere, building friendships with other comedians including Nish Kumar, Lou Sanders, Brett Goldstein and Joel Dommett. She says those years were shaped by a sense of being an outsider, but also by finding a community of people who understood her.
As her career progressed, Ruffell became more intentional about her appearance, seeing fashion and presentation as part of expressing her identity. She says she wanted people to know she was gay the moment they saw her, and experimented with cropped hair, patterned clothes, Dr Martens, and later suits and ties, which made her feel more powerful. A turning point came when she began speaking openly on stage about anxiety and sexuality, subjects she had previously hidden. She describes that as “ripping off a plaster,” saying the honesty made her feel unashamed and helped audiences connect with her material.
Ruffell has since toured widely, appeared on Live at the Apollo, hosted the podcast Out With Suzi Ruffell and co-hosted Like Minded Friends with Tom Allen. She has also written a bestselling memoir, Am I Having Fun Now? Anxiety, Applause and Life’s Big Questions, Answered, and is touring her current show The Juggle until September. She recalls meeting her childhood crush Mel C as a rare starstruck moment, and says becoming a parent during the pandemic and later moving to Brighton with her wife and daughter helped her feel settled and content. Looking back, she says she no longer tries to be cool and instead embraces being keen, open and fully herself.
